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Subject: The Joke Machine
Replies: 56 Views: 2363
femcat38 17.03.14 - 11:15am
AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out Oh my God!.... Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian? Very well, said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful. *
femcat38 17.03.14 - 11:29am
BIRD BRAINED
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; Dat''s Dem. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere, says Mick, Put dem in a pepper bag
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
Dis looks loike a grand place, says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud Splat!
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
Focket Dat, Paddy says, dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me...
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
Watch this Paddy he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider...
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding... *
femcat38 17.03.14 - 11:29am
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts! *
femcat38 17.03.14 - 11:41am
Q: What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff! *
femcat38 17.03.14 - 11:46am
COWS IN GOVERNMENT
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. *
femcat38 17.03.14 - 11:49am
A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin' here? asks the squirrel.
I'm here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples. *
